


Learning to Breathe (Please Put Yourself First)

by sunshinelion



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, I just wanted to spread hope in a way, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, In a way it's happy, It's a good ending, It's not that bad but just be warned, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 12:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16640522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinelion/pseuds/sunshinelion
Summary: Mark deals with severe anxiety and depression alone while Donghyuck holds him together without knowing at first.





	Learning to Breathe (Please Put Yourself First)

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you read this and feel less alone or you get something from it, i love you so much. also, i wrote this in about 2 and a half hours from 10 pm to around 12 something am when i ended. it's not beta-read!!

The thing about anxiety and depression was that it varies vastly with people, and the same could be said about every other thing in existence on Earth. Two people could have C-Diff, but one person would have died with C-Diff due to exposure to the bacteria in a hospital, but someone else could have already had it in their system, inactive but activated because of a fever they contracted from traveling but at the root of it all, it was the same bacteria.

For Mark, he wasn't really sure when his anxiety and depression began, including his OCD and his terrible obsession with trying to obtain praises by using his academic and curricular results even though he's perfectly aware that he could never and would never achieve those praises. He still tries, though, because even if he didn't get praises for his achievements, at least he wouldn't feel like a useless and worthless person. Even if he didn't get what he wanted, at least he could avoid becoming something his parents didn't want. Fear of being a disappointment over weighed hope more often than just a lot of times for Mark.

It's difficult. Being anxious and depressed was difficult because people didn't understand unless they had it - but that's the thing, even those who had it wouldn't be able to understand Mark completely because everyone was different. As hard as you tried to understand and sympathize with someone, Mark was aware you could never truly understand the pain they went through because you're not the one actually going through it.

Mark was also perfectly aware that people never actually said everything they're going through. Sometimes not because they don't want to, but sometimes because they can't express it. Mark wished he was the latter, because the reason he doesn't want to was because he didn't want to feel like a fucking freak, a misfit.

That's difficult, too, because people don't understand why you feel like that when you seem like you have everything everyone else wanted, when you seem more privileged than others. People don't understand why Mark would feel worthless when he had countless people admiring him, seeing him as a leader, seeing him as someone they want to be like. People don't understand why Mark would feel like he wasn't enough when he would score straight As and would be appointed as a tutor to others for numerous subjects. 

It made Mark snicker when people would say "The ones you least expect are the ones who face struggles you could never imagine." because are they saying it for the aesthetics? Are they saying it because they saw it in books and it sounded so cool? Are they saying it because it makes them feel "Oh my God, yes! Indeed! I have to tell the world and completely forget about this quote in one second after I make myself look like I'm an educated person!"? 

People only care when it makes them look good. People don't care when it's actually happening because people will always care more about themselves and what they lack instead of someone else.

Mark feels like a terrible person when he feels like that, which is also something he found incredibly annoying about himself. He couldn't feel something without feeling terrible. He couldn't cringe at someone being gross without feeling like shit for not minding his own business. He couldn't get rid of his heart dropping when he feels proud of having achieved an A, but then his best friend would say, "Shut up, Mark. Some of us are mourning." and Mark would then feel incredibly guilty for being the only one in his friend group who got an A.

Mark hated himself more often than people would think - but that's easy to do because no one would suspect Mark hated himself.

Even if Mark said it, no one would understand why.

He was Mark Lee, after all. Even if you hurt him over and over again, he's still the same Mark who would smile and laugh, look away and try to pat down his angry lion roaring in the pit of his chest. 

That's another thing Mark hated about himself. He couldn't be honest, so he had no rights to feel angry when someone hurts him over and over again. Who was the one who created an image of themselves where they would seem completely okay with being used as a joke as if he had no feelings? Who was it that immediately reassured people that he doesn't feel anything when others go too far with jokes because he felt guilty if someone else felt guilty for hurting their feelings?

It was Mark. Mark was the reason behind all of his own sufferings, so he really had no place to complain.

Mark was aware he was mentally unstable, but he looked perfectly stable on the outside, still. He's fast when it comes to making sure his emotions don't surface when he's angry or pissed off. He's completely talented at talking about all of the good about people, never the bad, because most people aren't bad people, they just do bad things because they're human. Mark didn't want to feel like a hypocrite when he does bad things to himself everyday. He's amazing at being kind to the people who make him feel like shit. He's the best at joining in others to hurt himself, though. If a specialty was asked on his resume, he'd definitely put that there. 

Briefly, Mark wondered if that would just sabotage his chances at getting work. It most likely would, so he'll put that aside. People are blind, but employers don't take any risks.

"Hey, what are you thinking about?" Donghyuck questioned as he laid a hand atop of Mark's, brows raised and eyes glaring at him as if daring him to lie.

"Thinking about what I could put on my resume that could sabotage my chances of getting work." Mark easily replied, and it wasn't a lie.

Donghyuck asked for what he was thinking about, so no, he wasn't lying.  _That's not what he was asking for._ It wasn't exactly what he was asking for.  _So you lied to him._  Mark wasn't lying to him. What he said was right.  _You're trying to get yourself out of lying._  But Mark wasn't lying, Mark was answering truthfully. He really was thinking about that.  _Donghyuck didn't want that answer._ Donghyuck didn't know what to get as an answer.  _You can't even trust your best friend and you wallow yourself in pity everyday over someone not understanding you._  Mark didn't say he didn't trust Donghyuck. Mark never included Donghyuck whenever he wallowed himself in pity. Donghyuck was his best friend. Donghyuck didn't understand, but he was always there. He promised to be.  _Donghyuck promised to be there for the Mark you presented, not the Mark you are._ Mark is the one who he presented.  _You're not who you present._ He was.  _You're not._ He was.  _You're not. You're not. You're not._

"You're not listening to me." Donghyuck pouted, sipping on his strawberry milkshake.

Mark raked his brain for an answer, trying to find a loophole where he did listen to Donghyuck talking. "Your new hair color's pretty."

"Oh, so you were listening!" Donghyuck beamed, eyes crinkling as he shoved his milkshake away.

Donghyuck was happy when Mark paid him attention. Donghyuck was always happy when Mark listened to him attentively, properly giving his opinions and thoughts on what Donghyuck was talking about, because Donghyuck needed someone to converse with.

_Donghyuck needed honesty._

Not for the first time, Mark struggled with focusing on his best friend excitedly going on about his brand new collection of vintage items (to which Mark laughed at the irony, because Donghyuck would have wanted him to laugh at that.) while feeling the guilt and anxiety consume him again, palms growing sweaty as he gripped his own milkshake cup tightly, trying to calm his hands down.

It was hard to feel okay, but acting okay had become second nature to Mark, and Donghyuck never asked any more questions that night.

+/+

Other than being aware he was mentally unstable, Mark was also aware that he liked Donghyuck. As in Like-like, the other capital-L that to Mark, was just as ridiculous as the other capital-L, but it contained much less commitment to it when you said it. It felt a little bit safer, and Mark preferred being safe.

 _That's just selfish. You're talking as if the people who like the word 'Love' are all fools._ Mark never said that. Being safe was just Mark's opinion.  _Yeah, but you sometimes think it's stupid when people your age say that they love someone as if they'll live forever happy after with them, right?_ That only happens sometimes, Mark was aware there were people from elementary school who got married and lived happily ever after-  _The point here was that you still think like that. That's disgusting and repulsive._ No, listen-  _Stop making excuses just to make yourself feel good._ Mark wasn't-  _You're just like every other selfish people on Earth. You just say these things to make yourself feel better. Not because you feel it._ Please listen-

Mark swung his legs off of his bed, taking in deep breaths as he sat on his desk chair, looking out of his window to the house beside of his. The bedroom window was Donghyuck's. Mark took heavy deep breaths as he tried to steady himself, trying to silently make the irritating feeling of immense worthlessness settle down. Restless, he began tapping his foot against the table, relishing in the pain his foot was feeling.

Mark eyed the pocket knife in the stationary holder on his desk.

His hands lifted themselves up.

_So you want to be even more of a disappointment? As if being a depressed and anxious bitch wasn't enough for your parents already? You want to cut and be even more of a disgrace than you already are?_

Mark wasn't sure whether the feelings inside of him were tormenting him or keeping him grounded. It's confusing.

The lights in Donghyuck's room lit up, and Mark looked at his bedside table's digital clock. It was 4:30 A.M., the time Donghyuck woke up to do his early house chores and then go jog. The blinds of Donghyuck's room were then pulled up, and Mark sits up straighter, prepared a toothy grin as he leaned on his desk. He turned on his desk lamp, so Donghyuck can see him too.

Donghyuck saw him and he rolled his eyes, too. Donghyuck lifted a finger to Mark, asking him to wait for a second and Mark leaned back on his chair, trying to seem laid back and completely okay.

He wished he could feel like every other people.

He wished he could be like normal.

He wished he could do all of these things without feeling forced to.

He wished he could be okay.

He wished he could stop tormenting himself.

This was all his fault, after all.

No one did this to him.

He did this to himself.

It was always him.

Donghyuck came back to the window, lifting up a sketchpad with the words 'Do you want to go jogging today? I have something to tell you.' and Mark nodded at Donghyuck. Donghyuck grinned toothily, scribbling on his sketchpad again. The next set of words Mark received said, 'Great. Let me just do the usual. Give me 20.'

Donghyuck said 20 minutes, but it was almost 30 minutes later when he rushed out of his house, keys jingling as he locked the door behind him and speed walking to Mark, heaving. "Sorry, I had to chase Janggu around because he wanted to play."

 _You really don't deserve Donghyuck. He even stopped playing with Janggu, his most favorite dog in his 18 years of being alive just to jog with you._ He invited me, it's normal.  _Yeah, but Janggu is his responsibility. You're not really his responsibility._

"I still can't believe you named your dog 'Janggu'." Mark laughed boisterously, shaking his head as he grinned at Donghyuck.

"You literally call him 'Mango'." Donghyuck scoffed, nudging Mark's shoulder.

"He looks like a mango!" Mark defended himself, whining softly.

"How in the world does a dog look like a fruit? Mark Lee, you're a fucking freak." Donghyuck rolled his eyes, and Mark feels a pang.

 _He's right._ "I know." Mark said, grin still present.

Donghyuck was silent after Mark's answer, and he looked like he was contemplating his words. Mark wanted to ask, but he didn't want to pry. Donghyuck didn't like that, and Donghyuck has always said that Mark always knew not to pry, that what he liked about Mark the most was that he was patient with him, never forcing him.

Mark wanted to keep the Mark Donghyuck had said alive, so Mark simply nudged his head to the road. "Let's go." He said, smiling gently, lifting his arms to squeeze Donghyuck's hand in a silent, 'I'm here.' gesture.

"Yeah, let's." Donghyuck replied, smiling towards Mark as he started jogging, Mark following behind him closely.

+/+

It was a month later when Mark got his answer for (one of the millions) the question he never vocalized at. It was at a house party of a student Mark didn't know who, but Lucas knew the boy, and Mark had enough trust in Lucas to know that he wouldn't have dragged Mark to an illegal party. Donghyuck wasn't drunk or on drugs, but he was indeed mad and frustrated, coming up to Mark who was dancing in the living room. Roughly, Donghyuck grabbed Mark by his wrists and to the upstairs floor, pushing him in a bathroom.

"I'm pretty sure it said that the upstairs wasn't allowed." Mark said, too stunned and confused with the current situation.

"I don't care, it's my cousin's house." Donghyuck huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

 _He's angry with you. You can't even be a good friend._ Mark wasn't there when Donghyuck suddenly came to drag him. He didn't do anything.  _Then why would he come to you all angry? Are you saying Donghyuck is being unreasonable?_

"I know all your cousins and I'm pretty sure this isn't any of theirs." Mark gulped down the thoughts, raising a brow and looking at Donghyuck.

"He's a distant cousin I don't really visit, but that's not the point." Donghyuck said, running a hand through his hair.

"Then what is?"

"Listen. I've been trying to do this for a whole fucking month but I couldn't and Jaemin was pissing me off and telling me that you could've found someone better at this stupid party which is actually kind of fun because Jungwoo had amazing music taste and I'm pretty sure you guys would have been amazing friends but I honestly don't want you to be too friendly with Jungwoo because he knows one too many secrets of mine that I'm pretty sure you know too and I don't want you two to gang up on me and well!" 

Truth be told, Mark was having a hard time to catch up with the things Donghyuck was saying. 

He felt guilty for that.

No, he was human, he shouldn't feel guilty for being imperfect. Humans are all imperfect.  _Your imperfect is overwhelming. Literally no one likes you. You're a fucking terrible friend and you can't even listen to him properly. You can't even catch up with what he's saying. Do you think anyone wants to be friends with someone who can't even listen to what they're saying? You're the worst friend ever._ _Donghyuck doesn't deserve you. Neither does Lucas. Neither does Jaemin, Jeno, Chenle, Jisung, Renjun, Taeyong, not even your fucking dog deserves you. I don't understand why you even fucking bother. Everyone could live happily without you._

"What I'm trying to fucking say is!"

Mark stopped the thoughts there, aware that Donghyuck was finally getting to the point. He felt guilty for doing that, but he let the feeling scratch at his throat silently. Donghyuck shouldn't be a witness to his thoughts. No one had ever been. No one should be.

"Mhm?" Mark hummed, looking at Donghyuck encouragingly as the other boy fiddled with his fingers nervously.

 _That's so stupid. What if he's anxious? Not just nervous?_ Okay, that was a shitty thought that Mark was aware of. Diagnosing someone of a mental illness is just as bad as disregarding someone's mental illness. That thought was easy to shut the fuck up.

"I like you." Donghyuck choked up, hugging himself as he backed up to the wall, biting on his lips, looking at Mark through his eyelashes, eyes brimming with tears.

The thing about Donghyuck was that as reckless as he was, he was also meticulously calculated. Even if he beat around the bush a lot, even if he wasn't going to say it, even if it looked like he would rather be thrown into an ocean full of bloodthirsty and hungry for a year sharks, he would never regret his actions. He's thought about all of it. He's thought about Mark's own feelings before he spoke his own. He's most likely known that he won't get rejected by Mark. Mark was aware that Donghyuck knew he had feelings for him.

_Being normal is fucking stupid if you're just going to make a mistake._

"Are you sure?" Mark asked, just in case.

_Mark, no. Stop._

"Of course I'm fucking sure, you doofus." Donghyuck pouted, now feeling more comfortable as he placed a hand on the sink, leaning his hip there too.

Mark could trust Donghyuck, can't he? He's calculated. He knows. He could understand, too. He's said it before. 'I'll always try to understand you even if I can't put myself in your shoes 100%.' Mark can believe in Donghyuck, right? Donghyuck has never broken any of his promises before. Mark can be with Donghyuck, right?

_Mark. This is a mistake. You're making a mistake._

Besides, Donghyuck has calculated everything. Mark's pretty sure he wanted Mark to say it back. He wanted Mark to be honest. He can be honest, right? That's good, right?

_This is not good, Mark. Stop. This. Right. Now._

"I like you too." Mark breathed out, voice heavy. Was it with affection for Donghyuck or was it with the guilt weighing him down? Mark wasn't so sure.

"I know." Donghyuck grinned as he pulled Mark by the hem of his shirt, hugging him in the bathroom.

Donghyuck sounded happy.

"I'm happy." Mark said absentmindedly, holding Donghyuck close.

"I'm happy, too." Donghyuck uttered, and Mark could hear the smile on his lips.

 _You're going to fucking regret this._ You've always said Mark had to be honest, didn't you?  _You're fucking stupid and you're a fucking mental manipulator, even to yourself, you disgusting wretch._

+/+

The first time Mark acknowledged that yes, it was a mistake to say he liked Donghyuck back at the time was when he made Donghyuck cry for the first time in their 15 years of friendship.

"You're literally always inside of your own fucking head, and you never try to fucking hear anything I'm fucking saying anymore! Your body is with me but you never are! What the fuck are you thinking about, Mark?" 

In a way, this was what Mark completely despised about people romanticizing anxiety and depression. 

"Donghyuck, I don't mean to, I'm sorry." Mark croaked out in defeat.

"You can't even fucking say you didn't actually fucking do it?" Donghyuck screamed, tears streaming down his face as he breathed out heavily.

"I want to be honest with you." Mark said quietly, and Donghyuck stopped then, biting his lips out of frustration as he screamed once more, kicking his bedside table harshly which made Mark wince automatically.

"I fucking hate this. It feels like you don't fucking trust me but when I start thinking like that, I feel so fucking guilty for thinking that because you always fucking trust me. This is so fucking god damn annoying. Get the fuck out." Donghyuck gritted out through his tears, slamming his knuckle on his table repeatedly.

Mark should leave. Donghyuck wanted him to leave. Mark didn't want to hurt him anymore.

Mark didn't want Donghyuck to hurt himself like he hurts himself, though.

"It's okay." Mark softly whispered, slowly walking towards the younger.

"Walk closer to me and I will fucking punch this wall until I break all my fucking bones." Donghyuck threatened.

"Please don't. I don't want you to hurt yourself." Mark gently said, and Donghyuck stayed quiet.

Carefully, Mark walked to where Donghyuck was, encasing him in a hug from behind. Donghyuck started crying even more as he gripped his table, repeatedly apologizing to Mark for being 'a piece of shit' but Mark simply kissed the crown of his head, mumbling, "You're nothing but amazing."

"I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry." Donghyuck cried out, dropping to his knees, his face in his hands.

"You deserve someone else." It worries Mark slightly how he felt like that was the most honest thing he has ever said to someone.

"I don't want anyone else." Donghyuck angrily screamed, turning around and pushing Mark away. "Can't you fucking understand? I fucking like you! You! No one else but you, you stupid fuck!"

"I like you too, no one else but you." Mark said, breathing in shakily, trying to ignore the hurt he felt in his chest as he reached for Donghyuck's hands, stroking it comfortingly.

"I feel guilty right now, but I'll apologize later when I know I won't say anything else over this." Donghyuck sniffled, finally crawling to climb on Mark's lap.

Mark chuckled, holding Donghyuck close. "That's fine with me."

God, Mark fucking hoped he wasn't romanticizing toxic bullshit right now.

+/+

The thing about being depressed and anxious was that most of the time, you're toxic. Mark was aware that he was toxic. He wasn't toxic in the way where he made someone felt like shit. Maybe he was toxic to himself in that aspect, but not to others. Mark was toxic in the way where he would kneel down and kiss the ground of the person who made him feel like shit because he knew that it would make them feel better about themselves. 

It happened again when Taeyong accused him of deleting all of his files for his university presentation on their shared laptop. It wasn't Mark, really. Mark could never do that. Mark would know what were his brother's files and he would never touch them, respectful of the other's privacy and simply not having a need to. Mark would never sabotage his brother. Mark could never.

But Taeyong was upset and stressed out. Taeyong was going through finals week and he was in a horrible head space. Taeyong wasn't okay. Mark was aware of that, so when Taeyong locked himself up in his room that night after getting angry with Mark, Mark knelt down in front of Taeyong's room, sobbing and crying his eyeballs off. Their parents were away on a business trip, so Mark could grovel and cry all he wanted.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know it was your file. I'm so fucking sorry. I would never do that to you, please." Mark begged and he continued to beg.

He begged and begged until his voice was hoarse, until his whole body was shaking. He begged until he couldn't feel his knees on the floor. He begged even after all of that. Mark continued to beg even when he felt his whole body warm up, even when he felt himself feeling lightheaded and his cheeks were so wet and his snot was everywhere. He begged even when his knuckles were sore from knocking on Taeyong's door.

Mark was pretty sure Taeyong was asleep with his earphones in. He always did that when he wasn't okay, but Mark was feeling extremely worthless, and he wanted to make sure his brother was okay.

Mark didn't care about himself.

He just wanted to feed his brother's ego to make him feel better.

It was okay if Mark was pushed and kicked. It was okay if Mark was even accused of murder and was sentenced to death. It was okay if Mark had to take all of that if it meant his brother felt better.

"Taeyong, please." Mark said weakly, before finally, he gave up.

_You're even giving up on your brother. You're so useless. You're so fucking worthless. You can't even be there for your brother and apologize. It's just two words that you can't even get him to hear. You're really just a waste of space. Nobody wants you here. Nobody cares about you. Nobody loves you. You're so fucking pathetic. Do you know how pitiful you are? You're doing this for self-satisfaction, aren't you? You're doing this just to make yourself feel better. You're taking all of this just for the glory. You're so fucking hateful. You're repulsive. Disgusting. Annoying. You stupid bitch._

When Mark ran to his room, in his chaotic state, he grabbed his phone and called Donghyuck.

"Mark?" Donghyuck answered, voice heavy with sleep.

"Donghyuck." Mark said, sniffling uncontrollably.

"Oh my God, baby, are you okay?" Donghyuck questioned, more awake now.

"I'm not, I'm really not." Mark replied, before he's wailing and crying even more.

Donghyuck kept asking him what was wrong, that he could talk to him.

His thoughts were louder, always telling him that he doesn't deserve Donghyuck, so Mark simply cried.

It was the most honest he's been with anyone.

It was the most open he's been.

In the books and stories Mark has read, people always said that being honest and letting it out made them feel better.

Mark felt shittier when he put his phone down, curled up into the ball, thoughts spiraling over the same thought.

He was useless and he didn't deserve Donghyuck. Who the fuck told him to call Donghyuck? He didn't deserve anyone.

+/+

It was during Thanksgiving when Mark talked to Donghyuck about his problems. It was after the feast, when Donghyuck was full and he was groaning about wanting to vomit. Mark was laughing, but his mind was thinking about the time that morning when Donghyuck told him, "I'll always be beside you."

"I have something to say." Mark said when there was a silence between them.

"Damn, when I thought we'd finally shut up, we really can't, huh?" Donghyuck joked, smiling as he giggled.

"Hm." Mark said, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck's body, pulling him close enough so that Donghyuck couldn't see his face.

"What did you want to say?" Donghyuck asked softly, carefully.

Mark was scared, terrified, fucking anxious. Mark still had the same thoughts about not deserving Donghyuck, about not deserving anyone, that he should suffer alone, but Mark was about to go fucking insane and Donghyuck was the only one keeping him in his place. Donghyuck deserved to know some things.

"I have anxiety and depression." Mark started, and Donghyuck stiffened slightly, yet Mark could feel his thumbs stroking his waist, encouraging him to go on. "I don't know when it started and but I know when I was diagnosed. Remember three years ago when I didn't go to school and I said my parents took me to New York for work? That was a lie. I'm sorry. I was feeling like shit and I begged Taeyong to take me to a psychiatrist. 

It got worse recently. Not because of you. Just because of things in general. I got more terrible at managing myself. I'm becoming more and more depressed and anxious. People say it goes away with time, but that's kind of fucking stupid. Depression and anxiety's a mental illness. Your brain is literally fucked up. I'm actually a fucking freak to myself. I'm emotionally abusive to myself, too. I stopped self-harming six years ago, by the way. I don't do it anymore. Taeyong threatened he'd drink bleach right in front of me if I self harmed again. But yeah. Depression and anxiety doesn't just 'go away'. It's not a phase. God, it's like people saying being gay is a fucking phase, and you know how fucking annoying that is.

I'm scared. Not just the normal kind of scared. I'm not scared like other people. I used to think it was normal, but that time when we were 14 and Jaemin asked me what the fuck was I doing when I was obsessively checking my work because I wanted to make sure it was perfect because I was scared shitless of my parents hating me - which, by the way, they have said they don't after one of my outbursts with them but it doesn't take the fear away. - and Jaemin made me see everything even more carefully about myself.

Damn, when I'm saying this, it feels like I'm normal. Like I don't have anxiety and depression. I'm just someone who cares too much, but that's not the case. Please understand. I'm fucking terrible.

I feel useless and worthless. I feel annoying half the time. I feel like I can never be me, and then I wonder who the fuck am I? I don't feel like the person I show and I know I'm not him, but then when I'm all by myself and I just feel so fucking empty and numb and just... so fucking hollow, I don't feel like the person I'm in. Fuck, I don't know how to say this, honestly. I feel like I'm making this sound so easy when it's actually taking a fucking toll on me, when it's driving me insane to the point where I want to jump out of my fucking window every time I see it. I feel like drinking that stupid bleach Taeyong threatened me with. I feel like just breaking my bones or some shit until I'm gone, y'know?

And God, Donghyuck, I'm so fucking sorry to you." 

Donghyuck breathes out shakily, and he understood what Mark meant at the last sentence, but he's scared to say it himself. Donghyuck takes another shaky breath.

"Let's break up." Donghyuck said, gripping on Mark's back, bunching up his shirt.

"I'm sorry." Mark cried, tears falling down as he hugged Donghyuck closer.

"I'm still here, Mark."

"I'm fucking sorry." Mark continued to sob, wetting Donghyuck's hair.

+/+

Donghyuck didn't know his best friend and now ex-lover was depressed and anxious. He felt guilty for never noticing, but that's okay. He was more proud of Mark for having gained courage to tell him all of this, to be honest with him, to trust Donghyuck to know this part of him that he's hidden so well.

Mark needed to be there for himself. Donghyuck doesn't know where they're going to be in the next 10 years because Mark's situation has been with him for so long, he can't even remember when it started. Donghyuck doesn't want to put any assumptions on anything. Everything is shaky and unsure now. Everything is so fucking unstable. 

But that's okay.

They'll think about them when it's time.

Right now, it's Mark that needs help, and Donghyuck promises to always be there silently. Donghyuck still liked Mark, after all, and he felt like he would always like Mark. He liked him now, but maybe that's because he didn't know Mark completely. That's okay. He'll be there for Mark anyway.

It's shitty.

Having a friend who makes themselves feel like shit is painful. Donghyuck feels the pain clawing at his lungs, painfully constricting his chest, but he knows whatever he's feeling is nothing compared to what Mark's feeling. He can't understand Mark's pain completely, but he hoped he could be the person Mark could trust, Mark could shed some burden with.

Donghyuck had always hoped during his lonely nights that he could hug Mark, that he could be with Mark, that Mark could hear him talk, that Mark could be there for him to share his weight with. Donghyuck realized those were pretty selfish thoughts, but that's okay, because even though it's only by a tiny margin, he knows he's grown up now, and he promises to always pay attention to Mark, to always make sure Mark remembers he's there. 

Donghyuck doesn't want Mark to be alone.

Things will be okay.

Right?

+/+

Here's the thing about us.

The us now doesn't know what the us of 10 or 20 years from now knows, or the us from all of the years later, too. They know secrets we don't, secrets that open themselves, secrets that find them gently, carefully or angrily and aggressively. It's a long road ahead of us. It always will be.

It'll be okay.

We'll be okay.

As long as we're not alone.

It's a miracle to find someone who would stay.

Maybe no one would stay forever, but they'll stay long enough.

We're humans.

We need someone.

We'll find someone.

We'll be alright.

We can't see the future when it's dark, but that's the thing. We don't know our future. As hard as it could be, we need to remember we know nothing about what's going to happen. We'll miss out a lot of things if we end things ourselves. So many possibilities and chances in the future that we could take. So many turns we could grab to make things better in the future. We can't see it, but we can't see ourselves just constantly being shitty. We say that's how we can only see ourselves, but we really can't.

Only future us knows that.

Future us is waiting for us.

If that doesn't make sense to you now, it'll make sense in the future. Maybe. 

 

 

> **You're always somebody's something, but you'll always be your you. - John Green, Turtles All The Way Down.**

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i wrote this while referencing a lot to my own experiences with my anxiety and depression disorder, so please do understand that the anxiety and depression i portray in this story is of my own. it is in no way what anxiety and depression is to everyone else who suffers from it!! also, i wrote this because i was starting to go insane this week, oof. and i hope i didn't portray this as romanticizing depression and anxiety!! if i did, i'm truly sorry, please tell me!!
> 
> kudos and comments are very appreciated!


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